save us

 If you every loved me

tell me

If you want to save us 

help me

All i know

 is I broke when you turned to walk away

 i couldnt let you go

 now i need to hear you say

What i want to know

 That your heart is in this with mine all the way

Is it possible to show

 no one else matters & we are here to stay.

I need to know

From this point forward where do we go

We cant ignore what brought us close to losing it all

I need to know

 from this point forward how does our love grow

love me, help me rebuild our faith in us so high we never ever fall

If you ever loved me

Tell me

If you want to save us

Help me

Little Red Flags

 

Destiny shows us who is and who is not supposed to be

Starting with the little red flags popping up before me

But my stubborness and pride pretend not to or refuse to see

I ignore the warnings of the little reg flags sent to me by destiny

Destiny doesnt stop revealing why you should let certain people go.

 The little red flag warnings are harder to ignore as the fury to show you the warnings grow

But my naiveté or my ignorance tells myself I can handle dealing with what I already know

 So no matter how big the little red flags get I am blinded by spirit of my boldness or ego

Destiny continues to send warnings and the little red flags are now waving in my face

My eyes are finally open and my heart is broken from shameful disgrace

I am embarrassed that I failed to see or refused to learn from the past that I embrace

Thankful for Persistance of Destiny to save me from myself and to find my safe place. 

Destiny and the little red flags are really your best friend

Always looking out for you and work together to defend

I have learned to listen and watch carefully for every little warning they send

This is so I can tell which relationships to keep and which I should end.

I've never really been in love 4/23/21

I've never really been in love, I don't think. 

I've only ever been a seeker acceptance. I need a Shrink.

I give up myself to make others feel Happy .

That is not love,  and it just feels real crappy. 

 I let myself deconstruct to make someone else feel secure

It never works anyway and I find myself more unsure.

Honestly, I do not know what is true loyalty

I just know I treat every one I've been with like royalty.

How can you feel or give what you have never had?

Seems demanding it is meaningless and  that's really sad.

I ponder these thoughts of myself in vain

Some of us need to thoroughly explore our pain

It is only when these thoughts fail to produce lingering strife

One such as me can move on to live a productive life.

Bold Heart 4/17/2020

I will not go gentle into the forever night

I will not miss another mornings light

I have fearless strength and a soul on fire

If I am ever down only I can lift myself higher

Learning from the past is something I do well

Letting go is hard as the memories make tears swell

But don't ever count this bold heart out

Do not ever feed into my self doubt

I am emboldened by the beauty you cannot see

I am emblazoned by the beauty that is me

Where is she? 8/23/20

Where is she?

Here, but lost in reality.

Pain wont let her go

All her happiness is just for show.

Everyone tries to help because they think they know how her life should be

No one really knows because no one else is Me. 

Feng Shui 10/9/2020

You Good?

Yah, you good.

Fuck what all the players say

I don't have to play to be ok.

Light and love in Pink for my soul,

 Feng Shui. 

Missing Pieces 10/19/2020

A puzzle

With missing pieces

surviving through life 

but no longer whole

Kind of like the walking dead with no soul. 

He Said, She Said 10/21/2020

He said...

She said...

What does it Matter

If they're both going to be dead?

A choice made today 

The soul pays for tomorrow

I want to go to Heaven in bliss

Not to Hell in sorrow. 

Once I find me 10/24/2020

I remember you like yesterday

You are the one I let get away

I will find my heart, my soul, myself again

I  am wondering where I have been

Once I find me, the healing will begin

Forever, my own best friend

Love myself first till the end 

Eyes 10/24/2020

Eyes, can be so betraying

They speak the opposite of what you are saying

There, that twinkle, gives away the lies

Hard words spoken just to disguise

That little smirk makes the eyes squint

The bright fiery coals of your soul glint

Claiming a heart of limited space

The eyes seeking a soft, safe, loving place

Eyes Sharp as the hunter stalking prey

looking for a softer heart to slay.

He Knows 10/29/2020

He knows

The darkness inside me

That I wont even write about.

He knows

The turbulence in my soul

How my heart and my mind fight it out.

He knows

The silence of my thoughts

Is how deafening the pain can shout.

He knows

All the secrets I hide

And still believes in me with out a doubt.

I don't move like you do 9/9/20

While you are out here trying to make yourself a name

and running around still playing teenager games

I'm out here being grown.

Everything I have got I have got on my own.

I make sure the kids and I have everything we need.

I don't live my life based on greed.

But know this, just because I don't move like you do

That doesn't mean I don't make a move or two.

You have your schedule and I have mine.

When I am ready, remember, you stepped out of line.

I didn't know the friendship wasn't real.

My desire is more mental which makes the fire more surreal.

Embers need to be fanned lightly to burn higher

Too much oxygen, too fast, puts out the fire.

I know, life is short and we never know what tomorrow brings.

You don't get what you want by forcing the song bird who isn't ready to spread her wings

Morning, Noon, and Night 12/16/20

Why should I make you my Morning, Noon, and Night?

When it isn't me you seek at mornings light?

You get what you give with me.

I'm Nobody's Fool... Nobody

You want everyone around you to let you be you?

Go ahead and be You boo.

Just know that I'm going to be me and do me too.

You get what you give with me.

Don't like it? I don't really care my G.

You can change or leave.

You can take what you give or be faithful?

 No?

Then its a wrap. 

Go ahead and go.

I Write

I write to stay alive and survive when the thoughts in my head make me wish  I were dead,

I write to relieve and to breathe when life is not fair and the pain is sucking all my air,

I write to know, to understand and to grow when conflicting emotions are confusing my loyalties and devotions,

I write for me and to give my words a place to express free when there is doubt I can trust anyone to let me talk it all out,

I write to dream because as free as I seem there is a huge wall holding me captive and keeping me small,

I write to feel because the numbness is very real when I know what I know and I still cant let go,

I write just because and to relive what once was when the present Im living is no longer pleasant,

I write for you to arouse an emotion or two with passionate poetry with hopes you will dote on me,

I write because that is what I do, for me to know me and for you to know me too,

writing is the most honest thing I do and it is truly my pleasure to share it with you.

I've Had Better Days

 

I’ve had better days

Lazy Days

And some very hazy days

S A T U R D A Y S

Are my favorite days

Sunny days

Or rainy days

Icy cold, my least fave days

Even less than Mondays

All the memories of Yesterdays

I love to reminisce the days

The optimism for future days

Still A M A Z E!

I will keep the Rain far from you dear

I try to look beyond the curtain but Everything outside of what I see is so uncertain. 

I thought friends were friends and love was love but every things ends because I just can't give enough. 

There isn't much left of me and I cant lose a single piece more, not any.

 So I run and hide if pushed before I am ready and I will hold my walls up steady.

Its so hard to not let the falling tears reign when you have no trust and only feel pain.

 A trist in the sun with your baby face sounds like heaven on Earth from my dark place. 

Maybe there has been or could be blue skies and sunshine with you but the storm raging internally in me keeps them from shining through.

 I will keep the rain far far away from you dear. I will make sure that you never ever see a single tear. 

In every flick I post online you will only see... the beauty of my essence and the purity of the  heart in me.

Dark Cloud

You know I'm sitting home right now
It's like real early in the morning
It's just me up quiet as a mouse in this house,
I just rolled a blunt to get me high
Why?
So it stops the tears that I cry.

I like the way it makes me numb
so I feel, you know, not so dumb
I live with him but  I love you
What am I as a woman supposed to do?

Say Daddy Hey Daddy
I've been feeling so so sick
It's the Devil up to his ole tricks again
He locked my heart is in his dark prison

So many voices, they are all screaming
I cant hardly hear me, hear me
No matter how hard I try to do good
I am always so misunderstood.

Men say they want me, say they'll go the extra mile
Say they want to take care of me, make me smile
and when we fuck they scream my name Blu
but that's all fake  its just their game, I knew

I'm the one always getting used
My ego and my pride are very bruised
I've been praying hard for some kind of peace
A place that where I can just breathe

I'm just a woman trying to love
But no matter what I'm never good enough
I try again and I try again
it's just a cycle that never ends

My heart always pays for what they do
with all the heartache that I go through
Always think I'm moving on to brighter days
but I've lost my soul in so many ways.

I would love to come around
I know I could turn that frown upside down.
We have been down that road before
You always leave me wanting more

I'm still hurt by all the damage of my losses
I'm not mad, I'm just exhausted
I just want to be someone's one and only
But I always seem to end up lonely

Dark clouds follow me too
It's been so dark ever since I lost you
So many Dark days and sleepless nights
So many Dark days and sleepless nights

I just want to be loved and happy
but life keeps rage storming over me
I just smoke my loud , smoke my loud
I'm just trying to shake this dark cloud

I would love to come around
I've always wanted to be the Diamond in your Crown
There has never been a real place for me in your life
There's always the mother of you daughter or your wife

Dark clouds follow me too
It's been so dark ever since I lost you
So many Dark days and sleepless nights
So many Dark days and sleepless nights

I'm still hurt by all the damage of my losses
I'm not mad, I'm just exhausted
I just want to be someone's one and only
But I always seem to end up lonely

I just want to be loved and happy
but life keeps rage storming over me
I just smoke my loud , smoke my loud
I'm just trying to shake this dark cloud. 

Walking in The Rain

Walking in the Rain
Hiding tears again
You will never know my pain
You'll never know, you'll never know
the pain, the pain, the pain, the pain...
To have everything I ever wanted ripped away again and again.
To lose the love of my life and my best friend
Repeatedly, that's my history
And still no peace at the end.
The very core of my soul,
The deepest love in my heart
My first born child's rejection rips me apart
All I can do is love him as always
And keep doing my part.
So don't compare your scars to mine
I'm the best I know at pretending everything is just fine
When inside I'm crying tears never ending
for my broken heart that never has a chance at mending.
I always need to be strong in the eyes of others
always seeking approval, yes, even still, my mothers.
Feels like my life is my purgatory
I pray and pray for a happy ending to my life's story.
My scars run deep and the mask can't hide my eyes
so when there is cloudy skies
I walk in the rain
so I can disguise my pain
as my tears come rolling again
as my tears come rolling again.

Unavailability Irony

I wonder what you want to see me for?
Years ago, I wasn't enough, you wanted more.
Now you are all excited to see my face?
Already inviting me to see your new place.
Past keeps popping up, whats it trying to tell me?
I let it all go but it wont let go and let me be.
Can't help but wonder why they come back by?
Is the Good Good that good they don't ever want to say goodbye?
I'm not even going to fill my head up with that lie.
But still I wonder why even when they know I got a guy?
Why does the past come back and continue to try?
They are married, moved on, have families and new babies
But still torture themselves with my empty maybes.
If it wasn't for my unavailability would I be forsaken?
After all, years ago, when I was available to be taken
These were not the moves they were making.

till i die

I'm a nobody till I die.
I don't give a fuck if no one knows the reasons I cry.
When I'm gone nothing matters anymore, no lie.
I'm a nobody till I die.